While I had a good first couple of weeks of it, my momentum is already waning coming up on my first Fall Break as a PhD student.
There a a lot of reasons for this. My body is not responding well to the ragweed that loves the North Texas air in the "Fall" (there is no Fall in North Texas except that it is slightly less hot enough to allow for plants to make seasonal allergies). I'm in that wonderful whirlwind of transition of being engaged and planning a wedding (Casey, Mom, and everyone has been amazing to me, but I'm still stressed). My mother had a cancer scare (that was relieved today be her surgery). And Casey's grandmother is in the throws of aggressive cancer treatments. I feel loss of my former church's leadership with the death of Edmund Kee and miss New Orleans. I miss my life in Vienna where I would be in sweaters and taking brisk walks on the Ringstrasse with my friends. But, really none of that accounts for my ennui.
I think I'm in a season of life where I know I'm beyond the point of no return and I know I'm going to fail - maybe completely.
This is what (part of) my inner-monologue sounds like:
I know I don't know how to be there for Casey's family while their grandmother is suffering so soon after her husband had passed away. I know I'm going to let my mother down by not being there for her surgery - I need to send her pictures for decor ideas for Janine's shower. I'm not sure how to organize my time or even how to approach my paper topics. French test on Thursday. I'm not sure I have the analytical skills for turn over books and papers at this rate while I'm so distracted and it's only going to get more complicated if I get pregnant. I don't know what finger foods would be appropriate for a "tea" reception. I don't know what kind of tea to have. (Oh, look! A bird!) Which museums I need to put on the top of list our winter honeymoon destination? Yes, we're celebrating our nerd love - I don't know if I will be a good lover and a good mother. I don't know what I think about church planting in such an unstable, pluralistic world we live in. I don't know if I should take time off from my other obligations to go to that certification opportunity. I don't know what flowers would look best in my bouquet. I don't know how to work out best practices for approaching a new people group. I don't know the full-proof way to read and encourage character growth in church planting teams. I definitely don't know how I'm going to benefit the Body of Christ with my research and writing (aka: I can't decide on my dissertation topic) I don't know how ...
Then, I read my friend's blog where she confessed to the world that she and her husband had to return her foster children because all her un-named worst nightmares had come true. I gulped back tears.
I feel for her because she took the plunge. I respect her for taking on more than she could handle because it gives room for growth and for a God who is bigger than us and our problems. But, I realize I'm doing the big thing, too, and I'm not sure how it's going to work out.
I'm reminded that we are supposed to fail in life to have lived it fully. So, regardless of the outcome, I'm not going to regret this time. Even if I fail out of the program. Even if I disappoint everyone. Even if I'm completely embarrassed by my choices. I know there are things I can stand on. I have a God who is worthy of my trust. One who will never fail. Casey has promised me himself regardless if we are successes or failures. We will fail, but Love will not.
There are somethings that are worth struggling for. There are things worth failing for.
I'm going to keep trying.
