I was talking to a younger friend of mine and she shared with me that God is always giving her the same testing. She is learning to pray "Your will be done" and trusting God to do better than she can pray for. I told her she is right, that all of life is one big lesson of learning to trust and stay close to God. It may look different, but we never out grow the Gospel. We never stop needing God's grace to make it through the days because he wants us to stay close to him.
The last half of the past year God has given me an ongoing surge faith like I have never experienced before; not from anything of myself, but faith from God for God. God's faithfulness overwhelmed me and things began to click as people came to me wanting to know more about the Bible and how to live a life fully turned toward Christ. The more I needed him, the more God seemed to be near and active at every moment. I saw how my life can be totally used to build up the Kingdom.
Then lately, and especially in the past week, the weaknesses and the immaturity of my work has hit me. I push when I should love and pray. I try to have the perfect words. Then other issues arise and I have no words and I'm not even sure of the right response. All the same, I try to be the expert. I forget to listen to the Spirit and what people really need - which is not me preaching even if people ask for advice.
And once again I realize that I need God. I need to be filled with the Spirit to make it through the day. My identity and my needs need to be met in Christ so I don't feel the need to prove something or to fix people. When I'm filled up in the Spirit he heals people. It wasn't me, it was him all along. I want more of him and less of me.
A girl in my home group said something I can't get it out of my mind. We were discussing Acts 5 and I asked why the people in my group would be afraid to join the new Jesus following that we just read about. They mostly talked about fear of rejection and judgment because of the incredible things this group of people were accomplishing compared to their lives. We talked about this for while and how amazing it was that normal people were all of a sudden doing impossible things because of the power of God. Later the discussion leader asked, how does this passage affect your view of your life? One of my girls said that she kept thinking of the people who trusted so fully in this power that they left their loved ones out in the dusty street in hopes of them being healed. She wanted that kind of trust; that kind of faith.
While I was thinking of my own answer, I wanted to be the kind of person who is so full of God that my very presence brings healing. I want to be such a reflection of God that I would be worthy of strangers laying their lives on the line for the hope I bare. But first, I need to be the one who trusts so fully that I will let go of what I hold most dear, believing that God will heal and redeem that which I will put in his path.
So, that is where I am today.
